One Month Update

It's hard to believe that our bay girl is 1 month old already!  Seriously, where did the time go?!  On the one hand, it feels like only yesterday when we bundled her up in her car seat for the first time and brought her home from the hospital, but on the other hand, these last 4 weeks have been such a transition for us that it feels like we've had her forever.  I'll be honest, this has been the hardest month of my life!  I could never have predicted how much hard work bringing home a newborn would be.  I realize that every baby is different, I just expected that mine would be perfect from the very start (lol).  In addition to sleepless nights, schedule changes, and getting used to not showering at the beginning of the day (lol), we have battled cluster feeding, chronic gas (in Audrey of course), trouble with breastfeeding, and fighting sleep.  This little girl came out kicking and screaming and hasn't stopped since - lol!  But there are also plenty of moments when she is just a perfect little angel, so happy and content - mostly in mommy or daddy's arms :)  I tend to hold her all the time which I realize is only going to make things more difficult for me in the long run.  But for now, she'll only be 1 month old one time in her life, and if she wants to be held and soothed by her mommy, then by golly I'm gonna do it!  One of my favorite things to do is rock her in the glider and sing to her.  I made a CD when I was pregnant with her of all my favorite lullabies that I wanted her to grow up listening to.  These aren't traditional lullabies, they're songs from my favorite Broadway musicals or old jazz standards inspired by my mom and dad that I wanted to pass down to her.  So we rock together and I sing her songs that are close to my heart - such a sweet time for us both :)  I have even come to enjoy those middle of the night feedings because the quiet time alone is priceless to me and I know it won't last forever.  Even on the nights when she sleeps 4+ hours in her nursery, I'm up checking on her every hour b/c I find myself missing her and wanting to be near her.  She is just precious and I couldn't love her more!

Now down to the nitty gritty.  I'm not gonna paint a happy picture of the last 4 weeks because it's been extremely challenging.  The first week was great.  Audrey was perfect in the hospital and the days following her arrival home.  She fed well, latched on instantly, seemed to eat until she was full, and slept a lot and often.  However, week 2 was an entirely different story.  She cluster fed for 5+ hours every evening and I was thoroughly exhausted.  There was one night when I only slept for an hour and a half!  Thoroughly. Exhausted.  Despite that, however, her 2-wk doctor's appointment reflected that she hadn't gained any weight since she left the hospital.  I cannot even begin to tell you how disappointed I was with this news.  I cried.  Many times.  For many days.  After a visit with the lactation consultant, I quickly learned that even though Audrey was feeding at least 20 minutes on each side and unlatched herself when she was seemingly full, she was only digesting about an ounce and a half of milk.  She should have been consuming between 2.5-3 ounces instead.  Now it all makes sense!  We had a cranky, fussy, non-stop eating machine baby because she was not getting enough milk!  The truth of the matter is that she just became a lazy eater and would fall asleep on each side.  No matter what I did to wake her up, it never really did the trick.  So she'd stop herself short every time.  To remedy this, we chose to pump for each feeding for a while so we could see how much I was producing and how much Audrey was taking in, and anything shy of 3 ounces we supplemented with formula recommended by the lactation consultant (Gerber Good Start Gentle).  This was certainly less than ideal, and even today, 2 weeks later, I am terribly ashamed and feel extremely guilty for introducing formula into her tiny little body at all.  I remind myself constantly that it's just what we have to do to make sure she is growing and healthy, but that rationalization seems to offer no comfort whatsoever.  To date, I have days that are great and I can produce enough milk on my own that we don't have to supplement at all, and I still have days when I'm not producing enough.  I'm even taking 16 pills of Fenugreek every day to help boost my supply, but sadly it's not working as I had hoped.  It's a very real possibility that Audrey may not be able to breastfeed as I had so badly hoped, but all I can do is what's best for her, and what's best for her is making sure she is eating well and gaining weight appropriately.  Still, my heart sinks every time I admit that truth.

She has a hard time sleeping as well.  There have been a few days when she seems to nap all day long.  She's even slept through the night twice!  But most days she cat naps and fights sleep like no ones business and it is exhausting.  I've gotten into a terrible habit of coddling her and holding her FAR too much thus resulting in a baby that will only sleep well if she's being held and cries when she is not.  I have a hard time listening to her cry and even though I run through this list in my head before coming to her aid (is she fed? is she changed? is she hot/cold? does she have gas? etc ...), I still can't seem to let her "cry it out".  Whether she's in the crib, vibrating bassinet, swing, boppy, etc. I still want to pick her up every time she cries - mostly because I know it will be the end of her crying!  However, once again, I fear this is probably the wrong approach and I am constantly paying for it!

I often feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions.  It's very disheartening when the important things, like nursing, aren't going as you had hoped.  I used to think I knew how to handle a baby . . . these days I'm constantly doubting myself.  So I read a lot and recruit the advice of my mommy friends as much as possible.  But at the same time, I know that if I can just give her my undivided attention and unconditional love, I know that I'm doing something right.  Naturally my maternal instincts will kick in and I'll choose to do what I think is best for my baby.  It might not be the conventional way of doing things, who knows . . . but if my little girl is happy and healthy, to me, that's all that matters.

She is still our little bundle of joy and although our first month together has been rocky at best, it's still been the most rewarding and satisfying adventure of my life!  This little girl is so precious.  I often find myself just wanting to watch her sleep (instead of sleeping myself) because she's so beautiful and so peaceful and that fills my heart with the utmost joy.  Despite it all, I love being a mom more than anything in the world.  Experiencing this kind of love and satisfaction is incomparable to anything else and I'm so happy to finally be at this place in my life.

Here are some pictures of our sweet little girl on her 1-month birthday: